1. Never turn your back on a toddler with glue, scissors, pens or paint - just don't turn your back on a toddler- ever!
2. Mothers are not paranoid, or suspicious - trust your instincts.
3. Doctors would do well to listen to moms, they know things that no university can teach
4. A balanced meal can include peanut butter sandwiches or cereal or both.
5. No one is perfect, not them and especially not me.
6. There is no such thing as too much chocolate, or coffee, or chocolate, or coffee.
7. Grown men are really overgrown boys with responsibility.
8. When a man says he wants a computer adapter for his birthday, don't try and give him a CD, or socks, or ties - he wants the adapter!
9. One kernel of corn can cause a fire if left unattended on a stove in some oil.
10. Popcorn will eventually catch alight if you don't take it off the stove.
11. When husbands are away - children are bound to get sick, break a bone, or break something important like a dishwasher, the car will stop working and the house alarm will go off - and it will all happen after hours.
12. Boys + water = wet, trying to keep them dry is just a waste of time and energy.
13. Quiet doesn't exist in a world full of children.
14. Children will say all the embarrassing things they have seen and heard in their homes to all the wrong people
15. Birds like clean washing
16. So do hairy caterpillars.
17. "It won't hurt" is just a tag line for a big fat lie.
18. If you don't check, you might leave the house without your underwear.
19. Opinionated people should be avoided, as they are often easily offended too.
20. Avoid perfectionists, you will never live up to their standards.
21. The last apple is normally the most bruised one.
22. Always check the toilet seat before sitting down - especially with a house full of boys.
23. If you don't store your toothbrush on a hidden shelf you might find someone using it to clean their toenails.
24. Be careful of who you call friend - consider what they have to say about someone else and know that they could be saying it about you too.
25. Facebook is no replacement for real face to face time.
26. Just when you are about to have an intimate moment with your husband, one of the children will wake up with nightmares/ fever/ complaints that they cannot sleep.
27. The day you plan all your online activities for your homeschooling day, the Internet stops working
28. It's possible to still not know when it's that time of the month and be taken by surprise after nearly 30 years.
29. The night a child develops a fever will be the night that you realise that you have no paracetamol at home.
30. Toilet paper is one of the most easily forgotten items on a grocery list.
31. And toothpaste.
32. Children are guaranteed to behave badly on the day you most want them to impress others.
33. Children don't mind wearing clothes with holes, even if they are sometimes in embarrassing places.
34. Just when you find the perfect lipstick, blush or mascara - they stop production and not one of the new products looks remotely the same.
35. An ATM doesn't let you borrow money, not even a couple of cents and it always keeps some even though it belongs to you.
36. All soapies are addictive, even the ones you don't like if you watch enough episodes.
37. Don't believe all advice online - speak to a professional, there are some dodgy people out there.
38. When you try to avoid a phone call, your children will answer the phone and tell the caller that "yes, you are at home" and "no she's not doing anything important".
39. Cat wee really stinks
40. And if there are two cats, its even worse.
41. Things can get worse, even when they are terrible already.
42. Things under pressure explode, including people.
43. Children are the best mirrors of your strengths and weaknesses.
44. Snails love vegetables, especially new ones.
45. Procrastination will not make it go away.
46. Music makes everything easier - chores, driving, cooking.
47. You don't need to lose weight, buy new clothes or go to gym - just get naked and your husband will love you.
48. The day you haven't brushed your teeth, combed your hair and are wearing the most mismatched or broken clothes you own - you will bump into more people you know in one hour than you have done for the entire month.
49. Women are as competitive as men, just in a different way - the best clean sink, the most neatly dressed children, the best cucumber sandwiches, the most organised - you name it and there's some mom out there trying to outdo everyone else.
50. Appliances break a week after their guarantee/warranty expired - they are specially programmed to do that.
51. When you offer someone help and they say "don't worry", what they are really saying is "I don't trust you to do it like I would like it done".
52. If food has fallen on the ground and been there for 3 seconds or less, then its good to go.
53. Just when you have finished a huge batch of washing, it's will rain.
54. Gym instructors can sense straight away that you are attending a high impact class for the first time and will up their game, just to embarrass you and make sure you never come back again.
55. Salad sandwiches are not food items to be eaten in front of others.
56. Or hamburgers.
57. Or anything that involves layers of food in a bun or slices of bread.
58. The trolley that you chose at the shop will suddenly start to demonstrate deviant behaviour only after you have half filled it, making squeaking noises so that everyone can turn and look at you.
59. Shopping trolleys are weapons of mass destruction in the hands of a toddler.
60. A child who promises to be good for the rest of the day will never be true to their word.
61. 61 is an unlucky number:)
62. Always and I mean ALWAYS be suspicious - when you ask you child what they are doing and they answer "Nothing".
63. Or if you ask them who did it and they say "I don't know".
64. Never wear white when you go out - you will either mess food on your clothes or your children will.
65. You will never look like you did when you were 18 and thank goodness for that, you probably look better now than you did then.
66. Shop mirrors don't lie, instead they offer objective perspective - with no subtlety.
67. Getting your sister to taste something because you know it smells dodgy - and then to discover it is dodgy, could have a serious impact on your relationship with her. She may never forgive or forget the incident and remind you every time you see her.
68. Telling your children what pranks you got up to as a child - can give them all sorts of ideas.
69. When your children are 7, 8 and 9 - watching the Home Alone movie is not a good idea.
70. To watch it just before the babysitter arrives - could prove detrimental.
71. Sugar really does make children lose all restraint.
72. Never drink milk until you have checked the expiry date.
73. And smell it just in case someone left it out the fridge on the counter for the night.
74. And in fact, just have a quick peek inside the bottle just in case one of the children have stuck an unidentified object into the bottle.
75. Always be suspicious of a half eaten biscuit on the counter.
76. Everyone around you is going through something - not your something - but something.
77. No one understands me - not my husband, or my children, or me for that matter.
78. A hug can make all your worries and fears disappear.
79. Butter tastes much nicer than margarine.
80. And is much healthier.
81. Homemade is best.
82. Take aways are even better.
83. I can weigh myself three times during the day and every time I weigh a different amount.
84. Whenever I need to go the toilet, my children suddenly have the need to ask me lots of totally senseless questions, followed by "how much longer are you going to be?"
85. Never shower after the children have bathed, there won't be any hot water.
86. Never leave the door unlocked when you want to shower, husbands see an unlocked door as an invitation.
87. Husbands think shaved legs are an invitation.
88. In fact, anything could be seen as an invitation - from their perspective.
89. No ones breath smells fresh in the morning, and some- if inhaled too deeply- could probably cause a state of shock.
90. Don't try and make a list of 100 things to write, because you're bound to run out of things to say about now.
91. High school means very little in the bigger scope of things.
92. Being able to afford someone to help in the kitchen might be impossible but getting the best equipment for cleaning and cooking will certainly make up for it.
93. When a bread machine says it can only make one batch of pizza dough at a time, it's probably because when you attempt to put 2 or more batches, the machine starts to make a dreadful noise and works extra slow.
94. A watched pot may not cook fast but a stove or oven left unattended will ensure lots of burnt food.
95. Hairdressers don't understand the word "trim" - it's not in their hairdressing dictionary or it comes with a different meaning like "hack it all off", "don't listen to the client", or "do whatever you're in the mood to do".
96. Keeping to the food budget with 3 boys is expecting a miracle every day
97. True friends love you, it's not conditional or based on performance.
98. Honesty is offensive, people would rather hear what they want to hear - seldom the truth.
99. Make sure you leave the back door open when you go out the front,especially when you are home alone - otherwise the door might slam shut and leave you waiting outside for a few hours before someone comes with a key.
100. If you really put your mind to it, you can achieve more than you ever thought you could - even a list of 100 things:)
3. Doctors would do well to listen to moms, they know things that no university can teach
4. A balanced meal can include peanut butter sandwiches or cereal or both.
5. No one is perfect, not them and especially not me.
6. There is no such thing as too much chocolate, or coffee, or chocolate, or coffee.
7. Grown men are really overgrown boys with responsibility.
8. When a man says he wants a computer adapter for his birthday, don't try and give him a CD, or socks, or ties - he wants the adapter!
9. One kernel of corn can cause a fire if left unattended on a stove in some oil.
10. Popcorn will eventually catch alight if you don't take it off the stove.
11. When husbands are away - children are bound to get sick, break a bone, or break something important like a dishwasher, the car will stop working and the house alarm will go off - and it will all happen after hours.
12. Boys + water = wet, trying to keep them dry is just a waste of time and energy.
13. Quiet doesn't exist in a world full of children.
14. Children will say all the embarrassing things they have seen and heard in their homes to all the wrong people
15. Birds like clean washing
17. "It won't hurt" is just a tag line for a big fat lie.
18. If you don't check, you might leave the house without your underwear.
19. Opinionated people should be avoided, as they are often easily offended too.
20. Avoid perfectionists, you will never live up to their standards.
21. The last apple is normally the most bruised one.
23. If you don't store your toothbrush on a hidden shelf you might find someone using it to clean their toenails.
24. Be careful of who you call friend - consider what they have to say about someone else and know that they could be saying it about you too.
25. Facebook is no replacement for real face to face time.
26. Just when you are about to have an intimate moment with your husband, one of the children will wake up with nightmares/ fever/ complaints that they cannot sleep.
27. The day you plan all your online activities for your homeschooling day, the Internet stops working
28. It's possible to still not know when it's that time of the month and be taken by surprise after nearly 30 years.
29. The night a child develops a fever will be the night that you realise that you have no paracetamol at home.
30. Toilet paper is one of the most easily forgotten items on a grocery list.
31. And toothpaste.
32. Children are guaranteed to behave badly on the day you most want them to impress others.
34. Just when you find the perfect lipstick, blush or mascara - they stop production and not one of the new products looks remotely the same.
35. An ATM doesn't let you borrow money, not even a couple of cents and it always keeps some even though it belongs to you.
36. All soapies are addictive, even the ones you don't like if you watch enough episodes.
37. Don't believe all advice online - speak to a professional, there are some dodgy people out there.
38. When you try to avoid a phone call, your children will answer the phone and tell the caller that "yes, you are at home" and "no she's not doing anything important".
39. Cat wee really stinks
40. And if there are two cats, its even worse.
41. Things can get worse, even when they are terrible already.
42. Things under pressure explode, including people.
43. Children are the best mirrors of your strengths and weaknesses.
44. Snails love vegetables, especially new ones.
45. Procrastination will not make it go away.
46. Music makes everything easier - chores, driving, cooking.
47. You don't need to lose weight, buy new clothes or go to gym - just get naked and your husband will love you.
48. The day you haven't brushed your teeth, combed your hair and are wearing the most mismatched or broken clothes you own - you will bump into more people you know in one hour than you have done for the entire month.
49. Women are as competitive as men, just in a different way - the best clean sink, the most neatly dressed children, the best cucumber sandwiches, the most organised - you name it and there's some mom out there trying to outdo everyone else.
50. Appliances break a week after their guarantee/warranty expired - they are specially programmed to do that.
51. When you offer someone help and they say "don't worry", what they are really saying is "I don't trust you to do it like I would like it done".
52. If food has fallen on the ground and been there for 3 seconds or less, then its good to go.
53. Just when you have finished a huge batch of washing, it's will rain.
54. Gym instructors can sense straight away that you are attending a high impact class for the first time and will up their game, just to embarrass you and make sure you never come back again.
55. Salad sandwiches are not food items to be eaten in front of others.
56. Or hamburgers.
57. Or anything that involves layers of food in a bun or slices of bread.
58. The trolley that you chose at the shop will suddenly start to demonstrate deviant behaviour only after you have half filled it, making squeaking noises so that everyone can turn and look at you.
59. Shopping trolleys are weapons of mass destruction in the hands of a toddler.
61. 61 is an unlucky number:)
62. Always and I mean ALWAYS be suspicious - when you ask you child what they are doing and they answer "Nothing".
63. Or if you ask them who did it and they say "I don't know".
64. Never wear white when you go out - you will either mess food on your clothes or your children will.
65. You will never look like you did when you were 18 and thank goodness for that, you probably look better now than you did then.
66. Shop mirrors don't lie, instead they offer objective perspective - with no subtlety.
67. Getting your sister to taste something because you know it smells dodgy - and then to discover it is dodgy, could have a serious impact on your relationship with her. She may never forgive or forget the incident and remind you every time you see her.
68. Telling your children what pranks you got up to as a child - can give them all sorts of ideas.
69. When your children are 7, 8 and 9 - watching the Home Alone movie is not a good idea.
70. To watch it just before the babysitter arrives - could prove detrimental.
71. Sugar really does make children lose all restraint.
72. Never drink milk until you have checked the expiry date.
74. And in fact, just have a quick peek inside the bottle just in case one of the children have stuck an unidentified object into the bottle.
75. Always be suspicious of a half eaten biscuit on the counter.
76. Everyone around you is going through something - not your something - but something.
77. No one understands me - not my husband, or my children, or me for that matter.
78. A hug can make all your worries and fears disappear.
79. Butter tastes much nicer than margarine.
80. And is much healthier.
81. Homemade is best.
82. Take aways are even better.
83. I can weigh myself three times during the day and every time I weigh a different amount.
84. Whenever I need to go the toilet, my children suddenly have the need to ask me lots of totally senseless questions, followed by "how much longer are you going to be?"
85. Never shower after the children have bathed, there won't be any hot water.
86. Never leave the door unlocked when you want to shower, husbands see an unlocked door as an invitation.
88. In fact, anything could be seen as an invitation - from their perspective.
89. No ones breath smells fresh in the morning, and some- if inhaled too deeply- could probably cause a state of shock.
90. Don't try and make a list of 100 things to write, because you're bound to run out of things to say about now.
91. High school means very little in the bigger scope of things.
92. Being able to afford someone to help in the kitchen might be impossible but getting the best equipment for cleaning and cooking will certainly make up for it.
93. When a bread machine says it can only make one batch of pizza dough at a time, it's probably because when you attempt to put 2 or more batches, the machine starts to make a dreadful noise and works extra slow.
94. A watched pot may not cook fast but a stove or oven left unattended will ensure lots of burnt food.
95. Hairdressers don't understand the word "trim" - it's not in their hairdressing dictionary or it comes with a different meaning like "hack it all off", "don't listen to the client", or "do whatever you're in the mood to do".
96. Keeping to the food budget with 3 boys is expecting a miracle every day
97. True friends love you, it's not conditional or based on performance.
99. Make sure you leave the back door open when you go out the front,especially when you are home alone - otherwise the door might slam shut and leave you waiting outside for a few hours before someone comes with a key.
100. If you really put your mind to it, you can achieve more than you ever thought you could - even a list of 100 things:)
Oh the list is endless, I would love to hear some of your lessons - serious or funny:)
Posts
love it Mel!
ReplyDeleteVery cool post! Laughed so much at the morning bad breath one!
ReplyDeleteI have to hold my breath when some of my children kiss me in the morning - its that bad! But then I think they probably feel the same.
DeleteLoved this post! Visiting from Raising Homemakers.
ReplyDelete