The Get Naked Club

I know you've having a peek at this article kind of wondering what on earth this could possibly be, and wondering whether you will possibly need to unsubscribe from this blog.  But never fear, I haven't quite lost the plot.... yet.

You may remember my post about 100 things I have learnt in my almost 40 years, especially numbers 47, 86, 87, 88.  Yep da man thing, the I want intimacy thing - often! Some of you ladies are already getting a knot in your stomach just at the mention of this and are wondering where you put those headache tablets.

But I believe this is an area that many women struggle with.  I struggle with .  Who would have thought that so many women could have this one thing in common?

We are wired so differently.  Time and time again I shake my head and think, Lord?  And this intimacy thing is like soooooo much effort.  And then we read about how "our bodies don't belong to us, they belong to our husbands" and then I think to myself "Over my dead body, there is NO way!"  Because of course it might mean more - you know what!

After cleaning toilets, washing dishes, ironing clothes, cooking food, running children around, taking the cat to the vet, phoning the municipality for the 5th time today - who can possibly think of doing anything but sleep?  Aaaah but there is this strange breed who still does!  They could be dead tired, but start getting dressed for bed, and suddenly there is this rather uncomfortable interest in what you are doing as though you had planned a special show for them!

Girls, you know what I mean.  But I have learnt something - when I spend time in intimacy, there is a joy and there is a different level to my relationship with my husband.  When I give him the loving he needs, he gives me the loving I need. Yes I know we have a 20 step sequence of things we want them to do before they touch us - which might include a trip to Paris, or a new lingerie wardrobe - because how dare they even expect anything from us, when they have barely paid attention to us the whole week.  

But when I change it around and say - I'm going to give my man all the loving he needs without expecting him to jump through hoops, it's amazing how much loving I get back.  I get coffee in bed, suddenly he volunteers to take the kids out to give me some space, he pays attention (though sometimes with a silly smug grin on his face as he remembers the previous nights shenanigans) - but it's there.  All the things I need.  So if I want more attention, care, romance, flowers, time, service - which are more my needs - then I need to give him what he needs - intimate one on one love!

It's a challenge because we are selfish and our love can be very conditional.  He must give me this, and then I will give him that (love with a hook).  But when we give this part of ourselves without attaching conditions and making it so hard to get close, we start loving him with an agape love - unconditional love, which is Christlike.


My prayer for you today (and me):

God would you meet every women who reads this post today and relight and rekindle passion for her husband.  Would you remove every insecurity that would tell her that her body is not good enough.  Give her a boldness to initiate intimate moments out of her desire to love her husband in the way that he needs to be loved and that he in turn would love her in a way that she needs.  I pray Lord that the demands of life, the worries of finances, day to day chores would not control the level of intimacy in her marriage.   Help her make a decision to get naked frequently.

[What about the Get Naked Club?  There is no such club of course but a couple of my friends and I laugh and joke about it, saying that we should start an accountability group of how many times a week we get naked with our husbands, because we all struggle in this area.  I don't think you have to start a club, but it would be worthwhile to share your struggles with someone you trust. They probably are going through a very similar thing and you may not feel so alone - and pray for each other.  It's not a time to dishonour your husband or to gossip about him, but to be accountable to one another, and to grow in this area.]

Feel free to share or comment, but if you want to ask questions or say something of a more personal nature, feel free to pop off an email to me and I will do my best to get back to you as soon as possible.

Linking up with Wise Woman Linkup, Raising Homemakers,  Titus 2sday,  Growing Home Blog, Unveiled Wife, Women Living Well

100 Lessons I've learnt in my nearly 40 years

1.  Never turn your back on a toddler with glue, scissors, pens or paint - just don't turn your back on a toddler- ever!

2.  Mothers are not paranoid, or suspicious - trust your instincts.
3.  Doctors would do well to listen to moms, they know things that no university can teach
4.  A balanced meal can include peanut butter sandwiches or cereal or both.
5.  No one is perfect, not them and especially not me.
6.  There is no such thing as too much chocolate, or coffee, or chocolate, or coffee.
7.  Grown men are really overgrown boys with responsibility.
8.  When a man says he wants a computer adapter for his birthday, don't try and give him a CD, or socks, or ties - he wants the adapter!
9.  One kernel of corn can cause a fire if left unattended on a stove in some oil.
10.  Popcorn will eventually catch alight if you don't take it off the stove.
11.  When husbands are away - children are bound to get sick, break a bone, or break something important like a dishwasher, the car will stop working and the house alarm will go off - and it will all happen after hours.
12.  Boys + water = wet, trying to keep them dry is just a waste of time and energy.
13.  Quiet doesn't exist in a world full of children.
14.  Children will say all the embarrassing things they have seen and heard in their homes to all the wrong people
15.  Birds like clean washing

16.  So do hairy caterpillars.
17.  "It won't hurt" is just a tag line for a big fat lie.
18.  If you don't check, you might leave the house without your underwear.
19.  Opinionated people should be avoided, as they are often easily offended too.
20.  Avoid perfectionists, you will never live up to their standards.

21.  The last apple is normally the most bruised one.

22.  Always check the toilet seat before sitting down - especially with a house full of boys.
23.  If you don't store your toothbrush on a hidden shelf you might find someone using it to clean their toenails.
24.  Be careful of who you call friend - consider what they have to say about someone else and know that they could be saying it about you too.
25.  Facebook is no replacement for real face to face time.
26.  Just when you are about to have an intimate moment with your husband, one of the children will wake up with nightmares/ fever/ complaints that they cannot sleep.
27.  The day you plan all your online activities for your homeschooling day, the Internet stops working
28.  It's possible to still not know when it's that time of the month and be taken by surprise after nearly 30 years.
29.  The night a child develops a fever will be the night that you realise that you have no paracetamol at home.
30.  Toilet paper is one of the most easily forgotten items on a grocery list.
31.  And toothpaste.
32.  Children are guaranteed to behave badly on the day you most want them to impress others.

 33.  Children don't mind wearing clothes with holes, even if they are sometimes in embarrassing places.
34.  Just when you find the perfect lipstick, blush or mascara - they stop production and not one of the new products looks remotely the same.
35.  An ATM doesn't let you borrow money, not even a couple of cents and it always keeps some even though it belongs to you.
36.  All soapies are addictive, even the ones you don't like if you watch enough episodes.
37.  Don't believe all advice online - speak to a professional, there are some dodgy people out there.
38.  When you try to avoid a phone call, your children will answer the phone and tell the caller that "yes, you are at home" and "no she's not doing anything important".
39.  Cat wee really stinks
40.  And if there are two cats, its even worse.
41.  Things can get worse, even when they are terrible already.
42.  Things under pressure explode, including people.
43.  Children are the best mirrors of your strengths and weaknesses.
44.  Snails love vegetables, especially new ones.

45.  Procrastination will not make it go away.
46.  Music makes everything easier - chores, driving, cooking.
47. You don't need to lose weight, buy new clothes or go to gym - just get naked and your husband will love you.
48.  The day you haven't brushed your teeth, combed your hair and are wearing the most mismatched or broken clothes you own - you will bump into more people you know in one hour than you have done for the entire month.
49.  Women are as competitive as men, just in a different way - the best clean sink, the most neatly dressed children, the best cucumber sandwiches, the most organised - you name it and there's some mom out there trying to outdo everyone else.
50.  Appliances break a week after their guarantee/warranty expired - they are specially programmed to do that.
 51.  When you offer someone help and they say "don't worry", what they are really saying is "I don't trust you to do it like I would like it done".
52.  If food has fallen on the ground and been there for 3 seconds or less, then its good to go.
53.  Just when you have finished a huge batch of washing, it's will rain.
54.  Gym instructors can sense straight away that you are attending a high impact class for the first time and will up their game, just to embarrass you and make sure you never come back again.
55.  Salad sandwiches are not food items to be eaten in front of others.
56.  Or hamburgers.
57.  Or anything that involves layers of food in a bun or slices of bread.
58.  The trolley that you chose at the shop will suddenly start to demonstrate deviant behaviour only after you have half filled it, making squeaking noises so that everyone can turn and look at you.
59. Shopping trolleys are weapons of mass destruction in the hands of a toddler.

60. A child who promises to be good for the rest of the day will never be true to their word.
61. 61 is an unlucky number:)
62. Always and I mean ALWAYS be suspicious - when you ask you child what they are doing and they answer "Nothing".
63.  Or if you ask them who did it and they say "I don't know".
64.  Never wear white when you go out - you will either mess food on your clothes or your children will.
65.  You will never look like you did when you were 18 and thank goodness for that, you probably look better now than you did then.
66.  Shop mirrors don't lie, instead they offer objective perspective - with no subtlety.
67.  Getting your sister to taste something because you know it smells dodgy - and then to discover it is dodgy, could have a serious impact on your relationship with her.  She may never forgive or forget the incident and remind you every time you see her.
68.  Telling your children what pranks you got up to as a child - can give them all sorts of ideas.
69.  When your children are 7, 8 and 9 - watching the Home Alone movie is not a good idea.
70.  To watch it just before the babysitter arrives - could prove detrimental.
71.  Sugar really does make children lose all restraint.
72.  Never drink milk until you have checked the expiry date.

73.  And smell it just in case someone left it out the fridge on the counter for the night.
74.  And in fact, just have a quick peek inside the bottle just in case one of the children have stuck an unidentified object into the bottle.
75. Always be suspicious of a half eaten biscuit on the counter.
76.  Everyone around you is going through something - not your something - but something.
77.  No one understands me - not my husband, or my children, or me for that matter.
78.  A hug can make all your worries and fears disappear.
79.  Butter tastes much nicer than margarine.
80.  And is much healthier.
81.  Homemade is best.
82.  Take aways are even better.
83.  I can weigh myself three times during the day and every time I weigh a different amount.
84.  Whenever I need to go the toilet, my children suddenly have the need to ask me lots of totally senseless questions, followed by "how much longer are you going to be?"
85.  Never shower after the children have bathed, there won't be any hot water.
86.  Never leave the door unlocked when you want to shower, husbands see an unlocked door as an invitation.

87.  Husbands think shaved legs are an invitation.
88.  In fact, anything could be seen as an invitation - from their perspective.
89.  No ones breath smells fresh in the morning, and some- if inhaled too deeply- could probably cause a state of shock.
90.  Don't try and make a list of 100 things to write, because you're bound to run out of things to say about now.
91.  High school means very little in the bigger scope of things.
92.  Being able to afford someone to help in the kitchen might be impossible but getting the best equipment for cleaning and cooking will certainly make up for it.
93.  When a bread machine says it can only make one batch of pizza dough at a time, it's probably because when you attempt to put 2 or more batches, the machine starts to make a dreadful noise and works extra slow.
94.  A watched pot may not cook fast but a stove or oven left unattended will ensure lots of burnt food.
95.  Hairdressers don't understand the word "trim" - it's not in their hairdressing dictionary or it comes with a different meaning like "hack it all off", "don't listen to the client", or "do whatever you're in the mood to do".
96.  Keeping to the food budget with 3 boys is expecting a miracle every day
97.  True friends love you, it's not conditional or based on performance.

98.  Honesty is offensive, people would rather hear what they want to hear - seldom the truth.
99.  Make sure you leave the back door open when you go out the front,especially when you are home alone - otherwise the door might slam shut and leave you waiting outside for a few hours before someone comes with a key.
100.  If you really put your mind to it, you can achieve more than you ever thought you could - even a list of 100 things:)

Oh the list is endless, I would love to hear some of your lessons - serious or funny:)

How do you know if your husband is addicted to pornography?

Yes it happens to lots of men, it happens more than you think.  You may even be in a place where you have a sense or suspect that your husband is involved in pornography but you can't put your finger on it.  How do you know?  You have this nagging feeling that things are not what they appear to be.  How can you tell?

Here are some symptoms that could be indicative of an addiction to pornography:

*  Your husband isolates himself from the family frequently and often at unusual times - like late at night, middle of night or in the early morning.

*  He will seek out errands or activities that take him away from the family and out the house.

*  He is inclined to be secretive and especially private about cell phones, computers, books and DVD's.

*  He may lock himself in a room for extended periods of time saying he needs space.

*  He may be very distracted in the company of women and noticeably paying attention to their bodies.

*  Seeking out company of women in social settings is a norm or the opposite may occur - he might be be very uncomfortable around women socially.

*  There is media evidence:  history of websites visited, videos taken out or magazines.

*  Financial privacy - he may be spending money on pornographic material so he will want to cover it up and will not be accountable or transparent about finances.  There may be unusual numbers on credit card or sums of cash  unaccounted for

*  Boys nights or trips where no women are allowed. Though pornography is normally viewed in isolation, the cover of going with friends might allow him to seek out satisfaction for his addiction freely.

*  There is a lack of accountability and often isolation from friends and mentors.

*  There may be an over-defensiveness and unwillingness to discuss or review behaviour and is easily offended when the subject comes up.

*  MIA - Missing in action without a logical explanation or vague explanations of where he has been.

*  Changes in intimacy - though your husband may be trying to be creative or adventurous, sometimes husbands will try and re- enact what they have seen.  They may also not want intimacy (as they are finding satisfaction elsewhere) or they may become excessively interested in sex.

(There may be other factors, and also not all of these symptoms taken in isolation will necessarily be indicative of an addiction to pornography  - but a few of them, may be a warning to you)

According to Focus on the Family there are 5 stages of addiction:

Five Stages of Addiction

1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to pornography start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.
2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.
3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.
5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.

I know you may feel like ignoring it, you may be too afraid to ask him because you  know the answer already, maybe you are too ashamed to talk about it because you are afraid your friends will reject you.  It's a scary place to be in, you blame yourself, you blame him.  But you would rather leave things as they are.

Pornography is a serious problem and it's not static, left undealt with it has the potential to escalate - destroying lives and marriages and leading to criminal behaviour.

Now I know this is a difficult subject and even now you may be wondering:

What do I do?
Before you judge your man and accuse him, remember that most men know that what they are doing is wrong and are ashamed but like any addiction, he doesn't know how to break free, how to stop or how to fix himself.  I know you may be feeling hurt, confused and betrayed but there is far more at stake than just your heart.  His heart is also hurting.  He already feels like a failure and that he's not good enough.  Something in his past, started him on this journey - it's not just in his genes, or just because he's a man.  When you read some of the real life stories of why men become addicted to pornography, you will realise that there are defining moments in a man's life that will lead him down that road.

It's not about you!  It's not the weight, your looks, the clothes or anything you have done. This is all about him and his particular struggle. Don't blame yourself.  Don't condemn or doubt yourself. This is not your fault!

Seek out your pastor, a mentor, counsellor or a trustworthy friend and let them walk alongside you as a couple.  There is a wonderful opportunity for healing and restoration.  It's possible to overcome this in Christ! It may not be an overnight fix but as you work through this, you will find freedom.

There are two fantastic books written by Dave Hain, who has counselled thousands of people, with all kinds of addictions around the world.

He runs an international ministry in addiction called "From Addict to Disciple" .These books are a must for both you and your husband.

Don't feel alone, don't feel like you can't speak to someone because its a shameful secret. Don't let the fear of others, decide how you are going to deal with this.  By speaking out, you loosen a foothold of the enemy to destroy your marriage.  By speaking out you will find people who will support you and pray for you and counsel you.  By speaking out you will have the freedom to move forward and fear will no longer have a grip on you.


If you want to ask any questions or share a personal story, you are welcome to email me. otherwise feel free to leave a comment.

Linking up with Unveiled Wife

How to maintain purity in marriage

Pornography, magazines with semi clad men and women,  the Internet, novels and the media flaunting sexuality and the perversion thereof - how does one maintain purity in marriage?   Even now accessibility of all of these things is on the rise - and a lot of effort by advertising agencies has "normalised" this type of unhealthy fascination.  It has desensitized our awareness of what is acceptable or not acceptable.

But God's word is always the final voice on everything we face and are tempted with, our environment or society may have changed but he hasn't.  He remains unchanging. He has not changed with the times - or lightened up.  He remains firm and steadfast.

And so should we.  But it's easy to slip into complacency, to tolerance and then acceptance.

Heb 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

We need to be vigilant in protecting our marriages, because no one else will!  And the world would tell us that marriage is disposable!

There are a few things that Sean and I have put into practice to protect our marriage.

Make love frequently
Now I know guys will love this one!  Don't they always.  But it's true.  If you deny your husband intimacy in marriage - the temptation is far worse!  I have heard so many reasons why women don't spend time in intimacy with their husbands.  Be careful.  Don't allow the enemy a foothold in your marriage.  When I am intimate with Sean, he is especially devoted, considerate and loving.  But when we have not been intimate for a while, distractions seem that much harder to ignore.  Don't let distractions steal your husband away from you.  Not tiredness, not "I don't feel like it", not conflict or unforgiveness.  Come together often and joyously.  And if you are cringing at the thought - then pray!  Ask God to restore passion and love for your husband - you'd be amazed at how He answers these types of prayers.

Have access to social networking sites and email

We know each other's passwords for social networking sites and can randomly check in on each other at any time.  Sean has even asked me to scan his Facebook home page for unwholesome images, because there was a time where Facebook allowed all sorts of very dubious spam content.  They seem to have sorted it out for the moment.   If I pick up that there's stuff going around we become especially vigilant.

Cell phones are public

Technology has changed the way we interact with one another - SMS, BBM, apps on phones.  The more transparent we are in this area with each other, the more accountability and protection there is for marriage.  You might initially feel like your privacy is being invaded but surely there should be no secrets or out of bounds areas?(Just a note on the first 2, be careful of snooping.  The intention of these are accountability, to ensure that we protect one another and are protected.  Don't demand access every day, every hour and start to become suspicious.  But establish openness.)

Carefully selected films and media

We avoid any films with S or N.  And we usually keep our films at a 13 Age Restriction.  Again, it limits the options but no DVD is worth the effect it can have on our marriage.  

Honesty

We are very open and honest about our relationship: about the areas that we are struggling in, and relationships with friends and God.  I know that every time I open up to Sean, I have someone who prays for me, who will watch over me and protect me.  The same goes for him.  In the beginning its not always easy to hear about struggles and you have to guard your heart - but it seems the more we confess our weaknesses the less of a stronghold they have over our lives.

Don't read about romance, live it!

I have written extensively on this topic.  Remember your husband needs to be in your thoughts not some mystery man riding on a horse on his cattle farm.  A millionaire whose hair is jet black with dark unreadable eyes ----- need I say more?

No television/movies or computers late at night and alone

Not only does it interfere with sleeping patterns but it makes us more miserable, more likely to have arguments.  It also can lead to temptation, when others are not around.

Stay with family when away from home

If Sean goes away on a business trip, he stays with friends or family - or takes someone with him.  On the few occasions he has travelled alone, he stays at a Bed and Breakfast.  A family run guesthouse, where though he doesn't know the owners, there is more of a family environment. He avoids hotels whenever he can.  He also always asks the guesthouse to remove the television from his room.  Satellite channels and many of our local channels are poison at night!

We do not entertain individuals from the opposite sex if one of us is not at home.

Even really good friends.  Entertaining someone from the opposite sex (even when the children are around) is not good for you or your friend.  When someone arrives unexpectedly at our door, I am still friendly but I tell them straight away that Sean is not home and so I won't be inviting him in.  I used to worry that I would offend but again - what's more important?  It's all about being vigilant and not giving the enemy a foothold.

Avoid regular interactions with a particular person which could lead to something more

It could be another parent of a child in your child's class or weekly sporting events.  Try to build new friendships or spend time with different parents when you go.  Ensure that you chat in a group rather than in two's.

Dress carefully

I ask my husband to check my clothes, I don't want to be a distraction to others (thereby defiling their marriage beds) and also not to attract any unnecessary attention.  I don't always get it right, I sometimes make bad choices but I have learnt to protect my marriage and other's marriages, by ensuring that I select my clothes carefully.

Read the Word and Pray together

We're really bad at this.  We start off well and then we get busy with our own things.  Yet time and time again, when we do this we marvel at how much of a difference it makes in our marriage! And answered prayers! I sometimes want to smack myself silly as to why we let this one slip so frequently but we keep trying and trust that we will grow into it! I cannot emphasise this one enough!

Resolve unresolved issues 

These can cause barriers and act as a catalyst for temptation.  You might feel like your husband doesn't understand you, and yet the guy at work just seems to say the right things at the right time.  Conflict and unresolved issues not only cause stress, but it prevents intimacy and open communication.  Talk it out, if you can't - get help.  But deal with the issue at hand.

I hope some of these ideas will help you too, maybe some of these need to be put into practice.  What have you found works in your marriage ?

Linking up with Unveiled Life, Wise Woman Link up,  Women Living Well, Raising Homemakers

Faulty foundations in Marriage and Parenting

I could say it's all your fault, or my mother's fault, or my twin-sister-which-I-don't-have-who-lives-in-Russia's fault- but then I would be denying responsibility for my own actions and reactions.

We all have faulty foundations which result in faulty towers- even if we were brought up in a Christian home, these faulty foundations can be in any part of our thinking or make up.  It could be in our approach to parenting, discipline, communication, friendship or conflict resolution.  The problem is that unless we sort out our foundations we will continue to pass on this same weakness in character to our children.

All you have to do is have my kids over at your house for a couple of hours and you will quickly hear and see my weaknesses.  (or Sean's but like he said to me one day - I spend 80% of the day with them so they are more likely to be showing my weaknesses rather than his - OUCH!)

I could try really hard and lay blame (which would be my natural inclination because it would be convenient) but actually, more importantly I need to remove those faulty foundations and replace them with good solid biblical ones.  This can be a rather painful process and some take longer to remove as they can be entrenched and difficult to get out.  But with doing this, I am able to be the mother, wife, friend and daughter God intended me to be.  And I can leave a wealthy deposit in my children's lives.

What do your foundations look like?  Are you tired and frustrated by some of your foundations - the ones you know need to change - the ones that keep tripping you up?  The ones that cause hurt, disappointment, broken relationships - I know I am! And I can stay in this space and keep on doing the same thing, the same way with the same result

OR

" Lord in your mercy and grace will you change me.  Show me Lord where there is faulty thoughts, behaviour and emotions and help me to submit to your hand of change"

Love and Marriage

Anything that brings you closer to your husband, solidifies or grows your relationship should be something you pursue and focus on.  However, if anything puts a distance between you, whether it be mentally, physically or emotionally - these things should be avoided at all costs.  

(reworded a bit but taken from  Love life for every married couple by Ed Wheat)

Ouch! Is all I can say.  Who thought that when I decided to get into this book, that within the first chapter, these 2 sentences would have me re-evaluate what I do and how it impacts my marriage.

Marriage has not been easy for us.  There are been some real struggles - packing of bags, lots of tears and crisis moments.  On the flip side though, it's been a journey of joy, laughter, friendship and love.  How is it possible?  I know it sounds crazy doesn't it but sometimes those times of desperation, are often times when I didn't know how else to cope but to pack.  Marriage is uncharted territory.  I haven't done this a few times, practice makes perfect doesn't exist in this equation.  And if like me, you have parents who had their own challenges - it's not easy to find your way in a world which says divorce is your way out, or never committing to marriage - just in case.

But often our problems have been rooted in this very thing - allowing things to put distance between Sean and I.  They might seem insignificant in the beginning but it can cause us to live past one another, together but apart.  And so I sat down and reflected on the things that cause us to grow towards one another and those that would cause us to grow apart.

My list looks something like this:

Things that grow us together:

* frequent times of intimacy and physical contact

*  spending time every day talking about how we feel, the challenges we are facing and sharing the victories

*  doing things together 

*  date nights

*  praying with and for each other

*  encouraging Sean, building him up with positive feedback about his parenting, provision for the family, his role as a husband

*  speaking to him in his love language (service and affirmation)

*  making an effort to present myself to him in an attractive way

*  submitting to him and asking for his advice

* listening to him 

*  Grace

*  Endurance

Things that pull us apart:

*  deciding that I "don't feel like intimacy" and therefore neither should he

*  not making time for marriage moments

*  prioritising children and housework rather than spending time with him

*  late nights

* too much screen time

*  too much "me time"

* criticism 

*  busy days 

*  unforgiveness

*  impatience and worry

And now?  Well a list is fine, but these are areas that I really need to grow in -to work on in my marriage.  Nothing is going to happen overnight either - oh no, there is no magic wand that will change these things quickly.  It will take effort and I will need to be intentional. But I know that in my heart, I want to be closer to my husband.  I want to keep growing closer to  him because I love him.  

I am my lover's and my lover is mine

Why not get a piece of paper and make your list - and decide today to grow in love, grow in passion, bring restoration and renewal in your marriage.  

Marriage Moments

When he reaches out to you, how do you react?  When he tries to hold you, do you push him away or run into his arms?

I know that parenting, housekeeping, cooking, cleaning and all the other responsibilities you have as a wife - are exhausting.  I get exhausted.  I often reach the end of my tether on a very short rope.  And after I have given myself to all these things - there are times in the day where my husband reaches out to me for affection, intimacy -  a moment. 

How I respond in that moment, will often determine our intimacy-metre for the day and sometimes the week.  Could it really, you ask?  Oh yes, because sometimes that moment is the only moment in the whole day where we can touch, embrace or kiss .  It's the moment where you step onto the bridge that moves you from friendship to lovers.  I often refer to my husband as my best friend - and this is important too - but he is my passionate lover.  Though I can have many friends - I can only have one lover. 

A one-of-a-kind relationship - needs to be nurtured, treasured, appreciated and  protected.

And the first step to protecting - is embracing marriage moments........

stop the mundane, for the moment

a kiss, and then another and another...

a hug, a cuddle, an intimate whisper

holding hands, small touches, teasing glances

Take that moment and don't let go 

A Photo Journal: Marriage to My Best Friend

Don't wait for a wedding anniversary, celebrate marriage as often as you can. 

The most sacred of places - your home

A true home is one of the most sacred of places. It is a sanctuary into which men flee from the world's perils and alarms. It is a resting-place to which, at close of day--the weary retire to gather new strength for the battle and toils of tomorrow. It is the place . . . where love learns its lessons, where life is schooled into discipline and strength, where character is molded.

Few things we can do in this world are so well worth doing--as the making of a beautiful and happy home! He who does this--builds a sanctuary for God, and opens a fountain of blessing for men.

Far more than we know--do the strength and beauty of our lives, depend upon the home in which we dwell. He who goes forth in the morning from a happy, loving, prayerful home--into the world's strife, temptation, struggle, and duty--is strongly inspired for noble and victorious living.

The children who are brought up in a true home--go out trained and equipped for life's battles and tasks--carrying a secret of strength in their hearts, which will make them brave and loyal to God, and will keep them pure in the world's severest temptations!

JR Miller

What is your most important role : Mom or Wife?

There is a homeschooling mother who lives just round the corner from me .... literally.  And today she wrote something that I really just wanted to share with you today.  A post that touched my heart and took me back to the place of making sure that I have my priorities in the right place.  Because though I am gifted in multi-tasking, it can also lead me to become very distracted and forget to keep the main thing the main thing.

"The most important thing is not that I am the Best Parent Ever.
Or that I am the Best Mother.
Or that I am even the Homeschooling Success Story.
Nope. The most important calling for me, first and foremost should be my calling as a wife."

Sadly there is so much truth in that.  I have yet to learn the lesson or should I say, be reminded of this core value... but why don't you head over there now and let her minister to your heart.  Her openness and honesty gave me the opportunity to truly evaluate where I am.  You can read more here

Who will be my Valentine?

So Valentine's day lurks round the corner, like an unsuspecting visitor waiting to pounce and expose our lack of preparation or readiness for this day marked in our calendars .

Love.... can it really be expressed fully in a day - a day filled with candy, balloons, cards, romantic dinners.... or could there be more?

Should I entertain the notion that my expression of love is determined by my performance on this day?

As the day approaches remember when I was in Grade 4.  Waiting for that letter from the boy that I "loved with all my heart" - hoping that he would send me something special.  The sweaty palms, the nerves and mostly the fear that I would suffer the humiliation of rejection.  That I would be the only one who was unloved or unnoticed.  But then there was a card, an immature expression of love, followed by unexplainable relief and joy that I had been "loved".

Source

But someone else, a young boy - sat empty handed. He tried to pretend like it didn't matter - but it did - to him. 

What have we done with love, true love, everlasting love when we reduce it to this?
To a day
to a moment
to a piece of candy
to a note

The love I know is patient and kind. 

 not jealous or boastful or proud or rude

  not demanding 

NOT IRRITABLE

 keeps no record of being wronged

  doesn't rejoice about injustice

  rejoices whenever the truth wins out

never gives up

never loses faith

is always hopeful

and endures through every circumstance 

This is the love I want to teach my children, not losing sight of the lover of my soul, the one who loved so much that he sacrificed everything for me.  The love that knows no limits and remains as true today as it did years ago.  This is the love that I want them to long for - for all else is temporary. 

But when Tuesday dawns - there will be gifts, gestures of romance - a loving wife and companion and yet still  I will wait for my creator to whisper in my ear, to remind me of his love - to declare my beauty. 

This is the love that I know

Are you living romance or just reading about it?

I have a confession to make - oh yes, here I go again. 

I used to read mountains and mountains of Mills and Boon. You may never have read one, but you've probably heard about them.  Tragic I know.  My mother loved them too, so she never saw the harm in me reading them. I would.  I don't want my children brought up on these types of books (hope I am not standing on some offended toes - but hey we all have our own flavour).

I know that this type of reading can lead to expectations that cannot be satisfied by my husband.  The happy ever after - perfect orchestrated moments - moments only found in movies or books like these - and the alpha male (yes you know the one - always good looking, always successful and most of the time fairly wealthy too).

I did some research as I am no expert (seriously!), except in watching chick-flicks which I confess (OK this is the second confession) are some of my favourite movies.  I love the happy ever after, the laughter, the fun - and yet at the back of my mind something always bothers me a little about these - and sometimes they bother me a lot!

But where does this leave my husband and my relationship?

Psychologist Dr. Juli Slattery reports she is seeing more and more women “clinically addicted” to romantic books, and that for many women these novels promote dissatisfaction with their real relationships. Some experts claim there are parallels between what happens to a man when he watches pornography and what happens to a woman when she reads a romance book. While other experts say addiction may be too strong a word, sex addiction expert Paula Hall agrees that romance books can become an “unhealthy preoccupation.”
Source

And it’s not just novels. In 2008, a study at Edinburgh’s Heriot-Watt University, in Scotland, found that romantic comedy films promoted unrealistic expectations when it comes to love.
Source

Dr Moore says “Pornography and romance novels aren’t (or at least aren’t always) morally equivalent, but they ‘work’ the same way. Both are based on an illusion. Pornography is based on the illusion of a perfectly willing, always aroused partner without the ‘work’ of relational intimacy. Often romance novels or their film equivalents do the same thing for the emotional needs of women that pornography offers for the erotic urges of men.

“And in both cases, what the ‘market’ wants is sameness. Men want the illusion of women who look just like women but are, in terms of sexual response, just like men. Women want the illusion of men who are ‘real’ men, but, in terms of a concept of romance, are just like women. In both artificial eros and artificial romance, there is the love of the self, not the mystery of the other.”
Source

Here are some interesting reads, of people who have struggled in their marriage due to their interest and preoccupation with romantic novels.

1.  I was addicted to romance
2.  Are you in love with romance?


Now that is not to say that I don't read romance and watch romance and in fact if you are lucky - you may even find a review on a book of that genre.  However, it is definitely not the only thing that I read or watch.  At any given time I am reading 5 to 10 books.  Crazy I know but it depends what I am in the mood for - a biography, a devotional, parenting book, marriage book, homeschooling book, novel.  But there is a healthy variety.  The problem comes when we start to live more through the lives of the novels we read, rather than our own lives

I especially enjoy a good crime novel but my eldest son loves to read, and often will pick up one of my books and start reading.  One day, I had one of Michael Connelly's novels lying around and saw Declan picking up the book to read the back and my first thought was to rip the book out of his hands and hide it under my pillow.  The scenes are often very graphic as many murder scenes are, just not the right type of thing for a child to read.  So I changed my reading philosophy.  I never wanted to worry about them ever reading one of my books again.  I decided to only choose books, that should they fall into the "wrong hands", it wouldn't matter.

I have realised that so much of what I read, can affect my marriage, my children, my mindset and my heart. And if it is going to affect them, I want to make sure that its in a good way! 

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.  What are your favourite books?  Do you like mystery novels or does historical fiction capture your imagination?  Who is your favourite author?

Linking up with Unveiled Wife

Do you love him like this?

Oh yes, he needs it and he definitely wants it!

He wants to know that you love him, adore him and that your heart is overflowing.  Yes even if you have been married for 40 years and "he should know it by now". Yes it means more than words - love is an action word.  It demands an action from you.  Don't wait for him - be bold, and declare your love - TODAY!


*  Make an effort - we get so busy with life (school, work, ministry, gardening, homeschooling etc) that at the end of the day all we want to do is get into some casual clothes and just relax.  But you have a man who hasn't necessarily had the privilege of seeing you all day in your beautiful work clothes, make up and sweet fragrances.  If you are a stay at home mom - don't dress like no one is going to see you.  Dress as though someone special is going to walk through your door at any moment - your man! (even if he works from home, even more reason to take the extra effort)

*  Touch him - every time you come near him touch him. Touch his arm, kiss him on the cheek, touch his hand lightly.  Stand behind him on the couch and touch is hair.  Little reminders that you are aware of him as a person.

*  Do those things you don't feel like doing - "You want to take a walk now?  But I'm tired, I have to make dinner, I've had a long day."  Gather up the strength, take a deep breath and do it. You know you'll end up enjoying the experience!

*  Remember his interests and hobbies:  OK so fishing is not your thing, but it's his, so get him fish stuff! (Notice my lack of knowledge in this area) Now Sean is into gadgets (I think most men are), computers and technology.  So I buy him Popular Mechanics as a treat.  Or head off to one of those Technology Expo's (yawn) - but he loves it!

*  Date Nights: we often talk about them but don't often do.  Find another couple and arrange to have turns looking after each others children, so that you can go on a date night.  Date nights don't have to be expensive events.  Choose something simple if the budget is a bit tight - picnic on the beach, a walk followed by coffees at a little coffee shop, an art exhibition, a museum, even just a long drive.  Quality time alone together.  If you can't go out - have a picnic in your lounge.  The focus is not the "where" its "who" you are with.

*  Candles: I really think that these are truly unsung hero's.  I know that a lot of you probably buy the big fancy ones.  I get the cheap white ones (yep call me el' cheapo) but I put them into beautiful candlestick holders, glass jars and even on a pretty plate and it looks lovely! Put them in your room at bedtime - he'll get the message.  Climb in the bath, light some candles and then ask him to wash your back - he'll definitely get that message! 

*  Tell your children hero stories:Tell your children hero stories about their dad while he's listening.  Remember children are easily impressed, so this should be easy.  How daddy saved the day by finding the switch when everyone was so scared in the dark and he was so brave.  How he swept you off your feet.  Or "ask daddy because he is soooo clever/good with bikes/has the strongest muscles." 

*  Give him a night off: Forget the chores, forget helping to put the children to bed.  Let him sit down, fetch that lovely magazine that you bought in (4), make him a nice hot drink, a pillow and foot rest, put some soothing music on and close the door (so that he can't hear you ranting and raving at the kids or banging the pots as you do the dishes).  Now I know you are thinking - but what about me? Don't worry, it will come.  Do some sowing in this department and I know that he will return the favour!

*  Maintain the allure:  The saying familiarity breeds contempt can be so true in marriage- we so easily seem to forget that though we are married to our best friends and that our husbands probably know more about us than anyone else- maintain an element of allure.  Keep the eyebrow plucking, spare wheel pinching, shaving, waxing, squeezing, toilet habits PRIVATE.  He doesn't need to know what you do to make yourself look beautiful, he just wants to look at you.  Imagine that every time he looks into those big eyes of yours, he is reminded of how you used this peculiar contraption to curl them.  Takes away all the appeal doesn't it?

*  Smell Nice:  When he puts on that aftershave doesn't it just make you want to bury your face into his neck and sniff deeply?  I know I LOVE those kind of things.  I am very sensitive to smells.  Smell nice.  If you can't afford perfume, get some nice smelling soap, creams, body mists.  Don't blow the bank account but make it count.

And me? Oh yes, I am the queen of love - NOT! I have to remind myself all the time that love - and the action of loving is not something we stop doing after time, but something we need to work on all the time.

I would love to hear from you.  Why not leave a comment of the ways you express your love to your sweetheart.

Mother Matters

We had our second very successful webinar last night, with Linnie Lues as our guest speaker on the topic of Homeschooling Large Families.  Linnie has said she will post her notes on her blog for those that missed last night's session. We will also be making the audio of the session available soon.

So this week we are looking forward to our third  and fourth session and to you joining us for this event.

Wednesday 05 October 2011 8.30pm-9.30pm

Topic: War on Wheat Panelist:  Tammy Mayes
http://naturemamahood.blogspot.com

I am a homeschooling mamma. In our home, we have special needs, special diets, special love, special school, and special children...not to mention that crazy chocolate brown Labrador and Tabby cat who thinks he is king in our home. I am devoted to my caring husband and devoted to my home and my children

Some of the topics we will be discussing include:
1.  How to cope with allergies in the home
2.  Strategies in dealing with wheat allergies, how to start living wheat free
3.  How to cope with social situations without "depriving" your child.
4.  How to source information or recipes
5.  How to manage on a tight budget with the expenses of organic wheat free products.
 

To register:  Click here

(This webinar is free)

If you need assistance because you are not sure how to do all the "techno stuff"  - we will be online at the meeting 30 minutes before we start, to ensure that any of you need help you can call us, or skype us.

The contact details for Mother Matters are:
Landline:  +27 21 788 2809
Cell:  082 5777 340
Skype:  mother.mel

 This webinar is sponsored by Slingshot Joomla! CMS Specialist

We would love to have you join us at Mother Matters! See you all there!

To view our webinar schedule for the upcoming month click here